[ he crosses the room, giving a respectful measure of space. ]
It's not you. It's - me. It's the same reason why I'm still in highschool. I got - I get overwhelmed, and then I feel stupid, and then I make a mess. And I never know how to explain it.
[ he reaches out a ringed hand ]
I should've explained why I wanted to go for a walk. Not... Tried to shove it all down and lash out. That was fucked of me.
[ The gulf between them is cold but it feels safe, like Steve can't trust himself to be any closer or he won't remember why he's upset. He always loses his mind when he has Eddie.
He keeps his arms folded, holding his ground. ]
Hargrove said that being into other men back home meant that sex was only that. [ He has to apologize for this, even if it reminds him how stupid he must have looked and sounded at the time. ] I shouldn't have asked you ... the way I did. I didn't mean it to sound cheap.
[ he draws his hand back slowly, tucking both hands into his armpits. ]
That's not exactly right... But... [ but. ] Yeah. That didn't make me feel great.
[ he leans himself against the wall. ]
This is my first time not being a dirty little secret. So... I wanted to make sure our first time was... special. [ it's fucking embarrassing to say outloud. ] The kinda shit straight people in all those shitty little romance flicks you like to fall asleep to get to have.
[ He can't be angry, doesn't have the right or the energy, so when he looks up it's with a controlled, inhaled noise like a sob, clearing his throat. His eyes are hot, wet and his voice feels like it might evaporate. ]
[ Nodding after taking onboard Eddie's agreement, he clears his throat a little more and passes the back of his wrist across his eyes, scrubbing them dry. He doesn't move away as Eddie nears; his hand twitches toward Eddie, in fact. ]
[ He leans into Eddie and wraps his arms around him, turning his face into soft curls where he can hide. A shudder ripples through him and he sags in place, closing his eyes. ]
What, you spent three years watching me jump up on tables, goad your shitty little friends into trying to kick my ass, and it never once occured to you that this guy might be a little unhinged?
Stop talking about yourself like that. You're different, that's why I like you.
[ Steve settles on an idea. ]
When I realised I hadn't listened to you I felt like a turd so I went and listened to a bunch of the bands you like, as if that somehow made up for being a jerk. It was stupid, I know. Anyway, some of it made my ears bleed but the rest of it was ... it was okay. You can talk to me about your music, okay?
I also took a picture of that nerdy store you wanted to go in, the night we got wasted? Well, the night I did. I looked it up and it has game nights on Wednesdays, so even if I'm not that keen to play you can find other people to do it with. Make some friends.
[ Steve will put himself in the middle of miniatures, dice, and neckbeards if it gives Eddie the opportunity to find someone to make friends with in his dorky hobby. ]
He's always been okay with being different. Made his own family out of all the other odds and ends around Hawkins. Liked and loved himself, even if his flaws kept him up on sleepless nights.
But he's always doing the legwork. Making the effort to find and understand others.
So to say hes touched is putting it mildly. He lifts a hand, cupping Steve's cheek reverently. Those big brown eyes round with awe and affection. ]
It's.. [ oh he is slightly choked up. Clearing his throat. ] it's not stupid.
[ No one showing interest in Eddie for years really becomes obvious at moments when he isn't performing or parroting his interests to an ignorant world. A kiss meets the palm on Steve's cheek; he's a sucker for, Robin put it, those big brown doe-eyes. ]
You're beautiful.
[ That's not what he was going to say but it comes out with a smile anyway. ]
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[ okay. Okay. He's getting himself off the bed. It takes some doing because his leg is definitely asleep from how he's been sitting. ]
And I did want to sleep with you.
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[ The lump in Steve's throat feels so sudden, rising readily. ]
I'm sorry I messed up, I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could tell me. I'm sorry.
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[ he crosses the room, giving a respectful measure of space. ]
It's not you. It's - me. It's the same reason why I'm still in highschool. I got - I get overwhelmed, and then I feel stupid, and then I make a mess. And I never know how to explain it.
[ he reaches out a ringed hand ]
I should've explained why I wanted to go for a walk. Not... Tried to shove it all down and lash out. That was fucked of me.
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[ The gulf between them is cold but it feels safe, like Steve can't trust himself to be any closer or he won't remember why he's upset. He always loses his mind when he has Eddie.
He keeps his arms folded, holding his ground. ]
Hargrove said that being into other men back home meant that sex was only that. [ He has to apologize for this, even if it reminds him how stupid he must have looked and sounded at the time. ] I shouldn't have asked you ... the way I did. I didn't mean it to sound cheap.
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That's not exactly right... But... [ but. ] Yeah. That didn't make me feel great.
[ he leans himself against the wall. ]
This is my first time not being a dirty little secret. So... I wanted to make sure our first time was... special. [ it's fucking embarrassing to say outloud. ] The kinda shit straight people in all those shitty little romance flicks you like to fall asleep to get to have.
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[ His arms unravel to plant a hand on a hip, gesturing to Eddie. ]
You already make me feel like we're in a stupid straight romance movie. In a good way.
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You make me want to sing your name from the rooftops, Steve Harrington. And the soundtrack to my wet dreams is you screaming mine.
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Look, Eddie. Aside from the blame-game, I ... I felt really stupid on that bed. Exposed and — I didn't like feeling that way in front of someone.
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Yeah... I get that. You... Were really vulnerable and I was ice cold.
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Please don't do that again.
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Eddie takes a careful step forward, uncertain, but not willing to leave his boyfriend in tears and uncomforted ]
I won't, baby. Never again.
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[ Nodding after taking onboard Eddie's agreement, he clears his throat a little more and passes the back of his wrist across his eyes, scrubbing them dry. He doesn't move away as Eddie nears; his hand twitches toward Eddie, in fact. ]
So we're good now?
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We're good, Steve.
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First big fight, huh.
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Look at that, a milestone. A shitty one but we're a still here.
[ kissing his cheek. ]
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Why did you want to go on a walk?
[ He hasn't forgotten to ask. ]
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So, when I get like that... It's shaking up a coke. It's gonna come out unless the pressure drops. For whatever reason, going on a long walk can help.
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He kisses him softly, a chaste Hello. ]
Maybe we should have actually dated and gotten to know each other before we started ripping each other's clothes off, huh?
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What, you spent three years watching me jump up on tables, goad your shitty little friends into trying to kick my ass, and it never once occured to you that this guy might be a little unhinged?
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If it helps, I'll tell everyone we're dating when we get back home. I don't give a damn what anyone thinks.
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Neither do I, I'm just saying man - there's a half-off sticker for a reason. Something in me is wired wrong.
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[ Steve settles on an idea. ]
When I realised I hadn't listened to you I felt like a turd so I went and listened to a bunch of the bands you like, as if that somehow made up for being a jerk. It was stupid, I know. Anyway, some of it made my ears bleed but the rest of it was ... it was okay. You can talk to me about your music, okay?
I also took a picture of that nerdy store you wanted to go in, the night we got wasted? Well, the night I did. I looked it up and it has game nights on Wednesdays, so even if I'm not that keen to play you can find other people to do it with. Make some friends.
[ Steve will put himself in the middle of miniatures, dice, and neckbeards if it gives Eddie the opportunity to find someone to make friends with in his dorky hobby. ]
Maybe tomorrow we can go visit it.
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He's always been okay with being different. Made his own family out of all the other odds and ends around Hawkins. Liked and loved himself, even if his flaws kept him up on sleepless nights.
But he's always doing the legwork. Making the effort to find and understand others.
So to say hes touched is putting it mildly. He lifts a hand, cupping Steve's cheek reverently. Those big brown eyes round with awe and affection. ]
It's.. [ oh he is slightly choked up. Clearing his throat. ] it's not stupid.
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You're beautiful.
[ That's not what he was going to say but it comes out with a smile anyway. ]
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Flattery will get you everywhere.
[ but he is bone tired. So he just leans in to kiss his boyfriend again. Lips, forehead, cheeks, eyelids. ]
Sleep in my bed tonight?
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